Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
