he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
