haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
