our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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