umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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