Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
