Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
