We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
