"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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