am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize