Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
