I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
