He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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