Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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