I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
