goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
