What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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