dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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