I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
