DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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