is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
