I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
