im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
