Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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