tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
