you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
smell my finger.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
