Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
