Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
