dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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