How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
