U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
