i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
