You're a womanizer and a bitch.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
