Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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