Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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