...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
