my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
