You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize