1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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