i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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