I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
