Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
