just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
