i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
