I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
