ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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