I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize