Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize