I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He kissed a someone with a penis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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