The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
