What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
