i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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