That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
