I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
