no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
