not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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