How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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