my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
