Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
