I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
