I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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